Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Let's Make Royalty More Fun

Because I am not blind and deaf and regularly watch the cable network BBC America I am aware that the second in line to the British throne is getting married on Friday. I think it's pretty cool with all the pageantry and tradition. If I was English I'd probably be one of the blokes standing in the street cheering. But, I do think, as was shone brilliantly in the movie The Queen, that the European royalty are way behind the times. They need to catch up and get more interesting. I have a solution. They should be legally allowed to assassinate each other. You know, bring back the good old days (as Stephanie pointed out).

Of course, you can't have the royals running around wantonly slaughtering each other like Americans do when we have a minor gas shortage. There has to be rules.

1) You may only assassinate another rival for the actual throne of England. If your father is an earl and you want to control his vineyards you cannot whack him.

2) You have to be at least the tenth in line for the throne. If you are eleventh you cannot take out number 4 just so you can move up. But, if Number 5 slashes the throat of Number 2 and you then move from 11 to 10, you are in the game.

3) You may opt out but if you do you abdicate all claims to the throne, you pussy.

4) You have to do the deed yourself, you cannot contract out your murder.

5)No firearms or poison. You are required to assassinate your rivals by knife, bow and arrow or by hand. Unless, of course, you can arrange a "hunting accident." If that is the case then firearms are allowed.

6) You may not assassinate those below you except for the one directly behind you since he may be gunning for you anyway. If you are number 4 and you really hate number 6 it is considered bad form to kill number 5 to get to number 6 but we won't stop you.

7) It is encouraged that these assassinations take place in public. This will make it easier for the judges to determine that the rules have been followed.

8) Alliances are also encouraged, the media will eat that up.

9) If you inherit the throne peacefully you may step down if the heat gets to be too much and the next in line inherits. But, if at some point you took out someone on your way to the throne you are there for life, however long that may be.

10) Anyone who inherits the throne violently is untouchable for a period of one year. Its nice to have some stability. After that, he is fair game.

That's all I have for now. I think this is a start and should be considered.


Melanie said...

No comments!?!?! This is a great post. I just watched The Kings Speech, I wonder if Ed saw this yet?
The "word verification" below is real sad

Anonymous said...

If these rules were implemented, I bet moats would make a comeback.