Monday, April 03, 2006

Over Sentimental Opening Day of Baseball Essay

The crack of the ball on the bat, the slap of the ball into a soft leather mitt. No, it's not a Saturday evening in your master's dungeon, these are the sounds of the opening day of baseball. The players may be new. Names like Johnson, Smith and Jones. But the old names are there, they are always there. Names like Johnson, Smith and Jones. For baseball is a game of renewal, of hope. Each opening day every team shares first place for a brief period. Even the most lowly team gets a view from the top for a day or so. In the early days of the season batting averages and ERA's can reach unheard of heights and for a short while even the most lowly unenhanced second baseman can dream of the king kong heights of the monstrous steroidal freak.

Baseball is also of the past. In this game we hold onto a pastoral past of peace and harmony. In a time when there were no wars or racial strife or horrible, horrible presidents with their heads crammed up their asses. Yes, the good old days. Days of black and white photographs and public restrooms. Days when your lesbian aunt Gladys was forced to marry your abusive alcoholic Uncle Tony. The ball was white and Mickey Mantle's whiskey was brown. The sky was blue and so were America's balls.

We all bring something to the game. We all have early memories that we cherish. Memories like playing catch with your dad or being forced to be the catcher for the perverted farmer across the street. Whatever the case, baseball has been there for us. Maybe after that encounter with the farmer there was only one position you could play later that day in the field behind your friend's house. That position would have been catcher since it requires very little moving around. What other sport offers such a position. That day baseball saved you a lot of embarrassment.

So, to celebrate baseball's first day of 2006. Don't sit in front of your television all day watching ESPN's opening day marathon. Take at least five minutes and go outside and find someone to play catch with, you fat bastard.

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