Thursday, April 24, 2003

The Word of God

No one has ever lived into his adulthood without asking a question of self that involves their place in the universe. Generally as our culture looks at it, it comes in the form of "what does God want me to do with my life?" Since it's obvious to all of us with an atheist or humanist slant that God is not going to answer your question in any way that doesn't require an intermediary I have decided to answer for him. I figure you don't need to study the bible a lot in order to decide what God thinks are important proclamations. I got that from watching the 700 Club. Those fucks can quote the bible frontwards and back'ards and they're completely full of shit. I figure my atheistic brain can do better than that. This will be in a Q&A format.

1) Q: Oh, God, what is thy bidding?
A: Move out of your parents' basement and get a day job, you fucking bum.

2) Q: Dear Lord, what is thy plans for me?
A: Sleep in and quit moving to cities you hate just for a higher paying job.

3) Q: Why does it hurt when I urinate?
A: Because you got drunk in Houston and woke up in the street. I'll let you figure out the rest.

4) Q: Should I draw for the straight or discard, hoping to draw another ace?
A: As a general rule I would rely on your instincts. How has your luck been for the last few hands? If your confident go ahead and try and draw one card and attempt to complete that straight. If your luck has been shitty draw for a pair and bail early if you don't get it.

5) Q: My Lord, are you a leg man or a butt man?
A: God loves all the features of his female creations equally.

6) Q: Why are my feet so ugly?
A: Because you keep them cooped up in shoes and socks all day. They weren't designed for that kind of treatment, you dolt.

7) Q: What's the deal with races? Couldn't you make humans all look the same?
A: Shut up. You probably think it's cool there's a McDonald's in every city.

8) Q: Who is your favorite Christian Singer?
A: All those guys suck. Turn off your Christian pop stations and listen to static. Static has more inspiration than that dreck. Get this straight, God hates Christian rock.

A question I stole from "Inside the actor's studio."

Me asking:
Q: What will god say to me when I arrive at the gates of heaven?
A: Hendrix starts in twenty minutes, grab your guitar.

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