If given the choice between being a baseball and a softball I would choose softball. More girls play softball.
Is it just me or do we mistake a cat's stubbornness for dignity?
I love milkeshakes but haven't had one in a long time. Why is that?
Did you ever notice how loud an acoustic guitar is when played by a drunk at 12:30 at night? Especially when you are trying to sleep... I think you can legally kill someone for doing that in Texas.
If you look at Thomas Jefferson's signature unclosely it looks like it's signed by "The Jeffersons."
Over the years my hands have accumulated a shocking number of scars.
I have wrinkles around my eyes. I believe they're called crow's feet. I can actually feel them with my fingers. Ewwwww.
I don't have to worry about turning into my Dad. I was adopted.
New York's a go-go and everthing tastes right.
Columbus crossed the Atlantic in a wooden ship the size of large SUV. Were you aware that SUV's have a higher mortality rate than late medieval sailing vessels?
Why does Tweety Bird have such a big head? Maybe that's why Sylvester the cat has never actually consumed Tweety because he can't get that big head down his throat.
I prefer the caucasian Jesus. He looks more like me than those other Jesuses that look like foreigners or the people across town.
I need to do two things: drink less soda and buy a handgun.
I once chopped up and burned some army guys and tried to sell them on ebay. No one bit. It did allow me to use the word "immolation" though.
Before NASCAR races fighter jets will often fly over the track. I think that would be a good way to start your average work day. On Monday five jets could fly over. On Tuesday four...etc etc. Say you have Friday off and you forget and Monday morning only four jets fly over your workplace. What a way to be reminded, eh?!
Why do institutions force you to fill out an application when you apply for a position? You end up just writing what's on your resume already? Might it have something do with personel departments justifying their existence?
Ten never-used Maxim story titles
10) How much is too much? Women and alcohol.
9) Date-rape laws in your state. (credit Walt)
8) Who would Jesus do?
7) How to Drink at work.
6) How to Drink in Church.
5) Cigars, wrap your mouth around a big black one.
4) How to pretend to be a fighter pilot.
3) How to date a lesbian.
2) How to get your girlfriend to date a lesbian.
1) How to meet an 18 year old the moment she turns 18.