Thursday, October 24, 2002

Home invasion!

So I'm sitting around my spacious luxury apartment waiting for the world series to start and there is a knock knock upon my front door. I'm not expecting anyone so I don't answer. The only person that might swing by would be Chris and it wasn't the thunderous knock you would expect from the big guy.

I then hear whoever-the-fuck-it-is knocking on the door of the apartment across the hall. I figure it's probably another damn teenager selling magazines. I jump off the couch and peer through the peek hole in the door. I see a couple of young modestly dressed caucasian chicks holding pamphlets. The douche bag across the hall isn't home so they place a small pamphlet in his door. After they leave I open my door and, sure enough, a pamphlet falls on the floor at my feet. The cover reads "If you died today are you sure you will go to heaven?" I crumple it up and throw it in the garbage immediately.

I had noticed that the hallway was cool when I opened the door which meant either that the douche bag across the hall or the crazy lady upstairs had propped the door open again. That drives me crazy so I bound up the steps to shut the door. As I reach out to grab the door I notice four modestly dressed caucasian women standing in the parking lot. Under the sickly yellow of the streetlight they look more like devils than angels of mercy.

Seeing a chance to harass Jesus freaks I pulled the full kitchen garbage bag our, tie it up and head outside only to see a short bus pull away. Mission: failure. The nice neighbor who lives on the second floor is coming in as I am going out. For a moment I think she is one of the kooks. I don't recognize her until she speaks, "Did they get you?" I 'splained to her I didn't open my door. She said she had sat in her car until they left. She's smarter than Rodney King.

I can't stand these fucking assholes who come to your door trying to save your soul. If by chance one of you idiots comes across this page and haven't stopped reading by now in order to pray for my soul, do me a favor, stay home with your friends and read the bible to each other so I don't have to keep putting on my pants and then go check the door.

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